Social networks are a waste of my time

This really isn't news to me and it probably isn't news to anyone else either. I use Facebook to try to stay in touch with people because for some reason most people aren't interested in staying in touch by any other means. I've tried to get away from Facebook before and communicate with people on a more human level; writing emails, making phone calls. It just seems like no one is interested. The truth is, I'm the kind of person who doesn't have a friends list 500 people long. The people on my friends list for the most part are people with whom I have some sort of past, whether brief or long. Typically they are people who I care about to some degree, and care to share my life with and keep in touch. The problem is, I become increasingly frustrated when, despite any efforts on my part to really connect and share with other people, I don't get a whole lot back. Wait, before you jump to conclusions and tell me "well, Facebook really isn't the place for anything deep or personal.." understand that I am essentially a nomad. As a military family we move around…A LOT. For this particular reason it is very hard to build up a local group of friends you get to see in person and actually hang out with. Couple that with the fact that I am not an outgoing person and have trouble making friends to begin with…and I'm a stay at home mom who homeschools, my life can get pretty darn lonely. I'm not saying I use Facebook to share the deep down personal stuff. I don't even necessarily share that much at all. But what I do share usually matters to me, and I suppose my reasoning is that maybe it would matter a little to the people who I love, too. The truth is, most of my own family doesn't even bother, much less people who I have considered to be friends. The truth is, Facebook just ends up making me feel depressed. It may seem silly. Maybe it is silly. Anyway, I am quitting Facebook again for a while…maybe for a long while. The people who really care will bother to try to keep in touch. I guess the rest never cared much to begin with, so I'm not missing much am I? 

Some thoughts on my homeschool

Recently, school has been an utter drag.  I haven't even wanted to get up in the morning to face the day because I know there will be complaining and tears and fighting and every step of the way just seems like that.  I've come to a realization, after looking around the inter webs and finding other moms who feel JUST like me in the same situation.  I've been trying to make Nathan measure up.  I've been trying to force him into a mould with his "peers," overly structuring things, trying to duplicate what I think "they" are doing in Kindergarten elsewhere.  I've been trying to meet some standard because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  Have him reading by 6, writing by the end of Kindergarten…the list goes on.  Why am I doing this?  It seems so silly to me, when I step back and really take a look.  The whole reason I chose to homeschool was to allow my children to learn at their pace, to come into their own on their time with my love and support and encouragement.  How I've been doing things up until now has made me feel like a failure, and no doubt has made Nathan feel the same way.  But the truth is, I am not a failure, and Nathan is a very smart, curious and wonderful little boy.  He doesn't have to measure up to anyone, and neither do I.  It seems simple enough, so why is it a constant struggle to remind myself of this…to not compare and measure and wonder.  No more.  I want my children to love learning.  I want to enjoy exploring with them, seeing them understand things for the first time, watching them reach goals of their own, not someone else's.  Structure never really works for a 5 year old anyway, and certainly not a 3 year old!  What was I thinking?  I found this blog post which made me feel immensely better about it all http://simplehomeschool.net/help-my-5-year-old-wont-do-school/   I am not alone, and I can do this.  I will be confident and I will succeed, and so will my kiddos because they are allowed to have their own timeline.  There is no one-size-fits-all.  I just have to make sure I don't lose sight of that!

Concerning photography

When we moved down here, I tried to convince myself that I would have plenty of new things to see and photograph. Other people tried to convince me of the same thing, and I thought to deny this would be silly and would mean that I'm not really an artist of any kind. A talented artist can make art out of anything, right? The truth is, I've been fooling myself. I was allowing myself to be shaped by the perceptions of others, by what I thought others would expect from me if I were ever to become a "real" photographer. The truth is, I haven't picked up my camera in months. It has nothing to do with wanting to and not wanting to. I've been dying to take pictures, but the truth for me is that my art comes from what makes my heart and soul happy. It's not about what other people want to see or what I or anyone else thinks a "real" photographer should be, it's about sharing the things that make me happy through my eyes. And, ultimately, the truth is that I haven't found that here. There are portrait photographers and architecture photographers, landscape and wildlife photographers, pretty much any category you can think of. Being good at all of those things is not what makes someone a talented photographer. It's doing what makes you happy that makes the difference. I am happy photographing the wild, wide open spaces that I love, and where there is passion there is art. 

Turmoil

     This may be strange to anyone who happens upon it, but as I don't believe anyone has really read my blog for a very long time, I don't suppose it really matters.  I guess I just need some outlet for the hurricane of feelings I am going through right now.  I don't really want to take to Facebook at the risk of sounding like one of those people who complains or just wants attention.  That's really not my goal here.

     We are moving again.  This is nothing new.  We are an Army family, and Army families move.  That is just life.  Only this time it's different.  We are moving from Alaska to Maryland...Alaska to Maryland.  I can't even begin to describe how wholly and entirely ridiculous that prospect is to me right now.  I have fallen head over heels in love with this place.  My heart has never experienced so much joy at the sight of all of this raw beauty and wilderness.  I can breathe up here, I can drive 20 minutes from my house and be in one of the most breathtaking mountain passes you could ever hope to see.  The night sky is filled with billions of sparkling diamonds and many times lit with the northern lights.  There are really no words to describe how I feel about Alaska.  I feel like I belong here.  I feel like this is home now.

And now I have to give it all up.  But it's not just having to give it up, it's having to move away from the most amazing place on earth to a city on the crowded east coast.  After Alaska, the entire east coast pretty much feels like a city to be honest.  There are no wide open spaces.  There is no raw wilderness.  The night sky is filled with the pollution of light.  People have told me I will like it.  I know they are saying this with good intentions and trying to keep me positive.  But to be very blunt, I feel like I am moving from heaven to a shit pile.  And every time someone says I will love it I feel like they are taking a handful of that shit and rubbing it in my face.  I know that is not the intention.  No, I really do!  But my heart is breaking so badly right now that this is just how it feels.  I am from the east coast.  I am well aware of what it is like.  But just like that little girl I was many years ago, looking at that picture of an alpine meadow in Denali National Park in our big book of National Parks and just knowing that is where I wanted to be, I know it really is where I want to be.

And so I have to let go.  I have to say goodbye to what is likely to be the most amazing place I will ever have the opportunity to have lived.  I have to keep it all together for my kids, for my husband, my family.  I have to be a strong Army wife, and go on to the next "adventure."  If you  read this, please don't think I'm complaining.  Isn't it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  

It is late, and I am done pouring my heart out.  Goodnight.

Not a whole lot is new.  Mike is gearing up to take command of his first company on the 23rd, and so he is busy with inventories right now.  "Busy" is really an overstatement because that is his only job right now so he's been having four day weekends and short weeks all over the place.  It's a nice break to spend time together before he gets really busy with command duties.  I am trying to enjoy it as much as possible, because from here on out it will be pretty crazy for the next year and a half or two.  We took a short trip down to Girdwood, Alaska and stayed at the Alyeska Ski Resort there.  It was pretty nice to get away for a bit, though it was a little frustrating to watch everyone skiing and having a great time on the slopes when we couldn't (with the kids).  We still had a nice time, though.  We've been getting more and more snow.  The plows came through and widened the snow out on our road which in turn put huge snow berms in everyone's driveway.  I was super exasperated until they came along with a big tractor and plowed out the bottom of everyone's driveway and pushed the snow well back!  I think they did an extra good job on ours because I was out there glaring at them with shovel in hand...You must understand that I had originally thought I was going to have to spend my morning digging our driveway out!  I will have to take a photo of the snow piles because this was going to be no easy task.  Thankfully they remedied the situation and now our driveway is better than it's been for a while!  Anchorage is about 6 inches away from breaking a record set in the 50s.  It's been a snowy winter!  We just recently invested in some better outdoor gear since I think the last time I had snow gear of any real protection was when I was a little kid.  The right gear makes all the difference!  I had forgotten how fun it is to play in the snow, and we have been out there almost every day with Nathan just rollicking in great big drifts and sledding and having a great time!  


We went to see the official start of the 2012 Iditarod Dogsled Race.  It was a really great experience!  Last year we went to the ceremonial start in Anchorage, which is where they parade the teams through the streets and you can meet the mushers and teams if you want.  It was pretty neat, but the real start, which takes place in Willow, was a sight!  It had a much more Alaskan air.  There were people in their furs and people on their snow machines and it was just a great experience.  I got some good photos that I will try to post on here eventually.  We recently got the equipment for Skijoring with Nikita.  Basically it's a pulling harness for your dog to which you attach a tow line and then yourself with Xcountry skis...and off you go!  I can't wait to try it out for real, but we plan to find a wide open lake to do that on since Nikita has no training :-/  We had her out pulling Nathan's sled the other day, though, and she did great!  It was a blast!  She can really pull some weight when she digs in.  She was pulling Mike on the sled and he usually weighs just shy of 200 lbs!  This will be great exercise for her and a lot of fun for us, so I am pretty excited!  Tonight we plan to head out to Hatcher Pass or Talkeetna to see the Aurora.  There is a solar storm hitting earth said to be the biggest in 5 years and the sky is going to be lit up!  Mike already saw it this morning on his way to the gym.  It is normally on the northern horizon even for us, but it was right over our house, straight up!  Tonight is supposed to be extreme!  I am going to get my camera sensor cleaned and start my photography portfolio with a bang!  Apparently the sun goes through an 11 year cycle during which it comes to a head with massive solar storms.  So I read that over the next year or two into the end of 2013 there should be solar storms similar to this every month.  And we live in Alaska for this!  I couldn't be more excited!  Yes, there is that nagging in the back of my mind about radiation...hmmm... But mostly I'm excited :) 


Well, I have lots to do today!

Christmas was great fun with the kiddos!  New Years Eve and Day were uneventful, but Mike and I managed to actually stay up till midnight, which is pretty amazing.  Sometimes we feel much older than we really are.  I guess that's what having kids does to a person.  We updated our desktop computer to an iMac, so that is pretty exciting!  I was always very much a Dell person, and I still had my 6 year old Dell desktop that I got in college.  It was my first computer and it served me very well.  6 years is a long time in the technology world, though, so it was time for an update and after much deliberation and research we decided to take the Mac plunge.  So far I am not disappointed.  My only complaint would be that there does not seem to be an acceptable alternative to Quicken for the Mac platform.  I use Quicken to track all of our finances and I would be very disappointed to have to learn a whole new software system.  Because of this, we are now considering running a program called Parallel on our Mac which allows you to install Windows and use Windows programs on your Mac.  I know, what was the point of getting a Mac,right?  Well, there are still many advantages to having one.  


We have gotten a lot of snow this winter.  It has not snowed for 2 weeks now, but before this dry spell, we were getting pounded.  Places like Valdez and Cordova were getting upwards of 20 ft of snow.  We didn't get that much, but we got somewhere between 2 and 3 ft.  Then after all of that snow was dumped on us, we had a week long wind storm that blew our snow piles across our driveway and packed them down like concrete.  That was a job to break up.  Everyone around us was paying top dollar to have their driveways plowed, and we almost did until our neighbor came over to help us with a snow blower.  So, we broke up the snow into chunks and the snow blower took care of the rest.  What a blessing!  That job could have taken a good part of the day, but only took us about an hour and a half instead!  We have some really great neighbors!  


Future things to look forward to include Mike's change of command coming up soon.  He will be taking command of 545 MP Co and preparing them for deployment over the next several months.  Between now and then he starts inventories, which should be tedious for him.  I can only imagine.  On the bright side he will probably have some free time during that time where he does not have much scheduled, so we may get to spend some time together as a family before he takes command.  After that, we will see how much of him we actually get to see.  I expect he will be very busy.  I am very proud of him, though.  He always seems to have a lot on his plate at work, but that happens when your superiors know they can trust you.  It's a curse but also a blessing, I guess.  He is a good officer and soldier, and above all a good husband and father.  What more could I ask for?  


Nathan is getting big!  He is already fitting into 4T shirts and he is not even 3 yet.  I think he will be very athletic if he applies himself.  Ayla is growing like a weed, too!  Only 6 months old and already trying to push up on her knees to crawl even before she can sit up by herself!  She's a determined little girl!  She always wants to play with her big brother.  I love it when we are driving somewhere in the car and I look back at Nathan and see him holding his little sister's hand.  Melts my heart!  What a good big brother he is.  But, of course he has a little devil of a temper, too.  "No" is his favorite word right now, and he says it constantly to me and Mike.  It can be very trying on one's patience.  I just don't want to end up like one of those parents with no control over their wild kids.  We discipline him and I feel like a broken record at times, but right now we do look like those parents who don't discipline their kids when we are out.  It's not true!  Oi!  How tough this job is!


Well, it's time to get lunch for Nathan.  Maybe I'll post some photos on here next time. 

I have one or two things left to do before I am ready for Christmas!  All of the gifts are here and ready except one thing that I just have to finish up.  I have been caught up with trying to find gifts and getting the tree and decorating, but now I am going to try to focus on teaching Nathan why we celebrate Christmas.  I'm afraid he has been caught up in the excitement of cookies and lights and trees and decorations, too.  That is fine, but I want him to know the real reason for Christmas.  As I am trying to come up with traditions for us to celebrate as a family, there is one that I am going to take from my mom and that is reading the Christmas passages from the Bible on Christmas Eve.  It seems so strange trying to come up with our own traditions when I still feel like a kid myself at Christmas.  It seems so strange having kids at all when I sometimes still feel like a kid inside.  Funny how I used to think there was some kind of finite line where you suddenly grew up and felt like an adult.  Turns out I usually still feel like a kid, only I have adult responsibilities now.  I guess that's why some people always say they still feel like a kid inside, even when they grow old. 

The Winter Solstice has passed!  We are officially on our way to more daylight!  That is a pretty big thing up here.  Right now the sun is rising at 10:15 am and setting at 3:35 pm.  We have many months of cold, snow and darkness still ahead.  The darkness this winter is bearable, it's the darkness next winter that I dread.  It's nice to have Christmas lights up on the house outside.  It actually brightens the front yard so we can go out and do things in the snow in the afternoon and evening and still see.  We built a snow family the other day, I will have to take pictures and put them up on here.  Our snow piles at the sides of the driveway are beginning to get a bit unmanageable, really.  They look like the Chugach mountains, craggy and snowy and very, very tall!  Shoveling is really great exercise, though, and it's actually rather enjoyable to get outside and do some hard work.  I love yard work in the summer, so I guess shoveling is like winter yard work.  It's so much nicer to get a workout through manual labor than to go to the gym.  You don't even realize you are working out and you are accomplishing something immediately visible to boot.  

Here is a picture of our tree

I will try to get some more pictures on here soon.