This may be strange to anyone who happens upon it, but as I don't believe anyone has really read my blog for a very long time, I don't suppose it really matters. I guess I just need some outlet for the hurricane of feelings I am going through right now. I don't really want to take to Facebook at the risk of sounding like one of those people who complains or just wants attention. That's really not my goal here.
We are moving again. This is nothing new. We are an Army family, and Army families move. That is just life. Only this time it's different. We are moving from Alaska to Maryland...Alaska to Maryland. I can't even begin to describe how wholly and entirely ridiculous that prospect is to me right now. I have fallen head over heels in love with this place. My heart has never experienced so much joy at the sight of all of this raw beauty and wilderness. I can breathe up here, I can drive 20 minutes from my house and be in one of the most breathtaking mountain passes you could ever hope to see. The night sky is filled with billions of sparkling diamonds and many times lit with the northern lights. There are really no words to describe how I feel about Alaska. I feel like I belong here. I feel like this is home now.
And now I have to give it all up. But it's not just having to give it up, it's having to move away from the most amazing place on earth to a city on the crowded east coast. After Alaska, the entire east coast pretty much feels like a city to be honest. There are no wide open spaces. There is no raw wilderness. The night sky is filled with the pollution of light. People have told me I will like it. I know they are saying this with good intentions and trying to keep me positive. But to be very blunt, I feel like I am moving from heaven to a shit pile. And every time someone says I will love it I feel like they are taking a handful of that shit and rubbing it in my face. I know that is not the intention. No, I really do! But my heart is breaking so badly right now that this is just how it feels. I am from the east coast. I am well aware of what it is like. But just like that little girl I was many years ago, looking at that picture of an alpine meadow in Denali National Park in our big book of National Parks and just knowing that is where I wanted to be, I know it really is where I want to be.
And so I have to let go. I have to say goodbye to what is likely to be the most amazing place I will ever have the opportunity to have lived. I have to keep it all together for my kids, for my husband, my family. I have to be a strong Army wife, and go on to the next "adventure." If you read this, please don't think I'm complaining. Isn't it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
It is late, and I am done pouring my heart out. Goodnight.
:'(
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